The Seven Forms of Intelligence
Non-Tensans frequently have a distorted view of our
organization. One of the most widely-held misconceptions about Tensans
is that they are smart. No one knows how the rumor got started.
Some Tensans have even been known to succumb to the fallacy. I've
always tried to deal with topics from a Tensa perspective. I figure
that if all you want is a more erudite and pretentious version of columns
that appear in run-of-the-mill publications, you'll subscribe to Vanity
Fair or maybe Spy. Instead, I'll provide you with the ammunition
needed to dispel this vicious myth of Tensa intelligence. Significant
proof can be gained from real-world observations, to wit:
1. Tensans almost never are seen purchasing
wrapping paper and Christmas decorations at K-Mart on December 26.
Instead, they buy these items at three times the price in the three weeks
before Christmas, just like others of nominal intelligence. Being
Jewish is no excuse, either. A bargain is a bargain.
2. "If you're so smart, why ain't you rich?"
Few Tensans are really wealthy. One can only draw two possible conclusions
from this: a.) The average Tensan isn't intelligent enough to figure
out that being rich is better than being poor. b.) Tensans
aren't smart enough to solve the trivial problem of earning a lot of money.
3. Regional gatherings.
If empirical evidence isn't sufficient, there
has been a great deal of scientific thought devoted to the concept of intelligence.
Researchers now believe that human intelligence actually can take one of
seven forms, six of which are rarely, if ever, exhibited by Tensans.
These types of "smarts" are:
1. Kinesthetic intelligence. Believe
it or not, Mike Tyson is actually a genius on the order of Leonardo Da
Vinci, if you allow that the functioning part of his brain is located somewhat
lower on the spinal chord.
2. Testibular intelligence. This is the ability
to do especially well on stupid tests, such as the Stanford Binet or Miller
Analogies tests. Unlike the other forms of human intelligence, this
particular skill has not been shown to have a useful purpose.
3. Crackheuristics. Well-known crackheurs are
Southerners Ted Turner and Junior Johnson. This is a special form
of business acumen well-suited for extracting sums of money from more intelligent
4. Bon joviality. The ability to produce No.
1 record albums following brain death. First recognized in David
5. Erudition. Affinity for cultural, sociological,
political and quasi-scientific information of no practical value.
6. Problemathematical intelligence. Skill at
balancing checkbooks and figuring tips. Rarely seen in Tensans, who
have no need for checkbooks and don't leave tips.
7. Common sense. I'm not sure what this one
is all about, but my wife told me it would be a good idea to include it