The Seven Forms of Intelligence

Non-Tensans frequently have a distorted view of our organization.  One of the most widely-held misconceptions about Tensans is that they are smart.  No one knows how the rumor got started.  Some Tensans have even been known to succumb to the fallacy.  I've always tried to deal with topics from a Tensa perspective.  I figure that if all you want is a more erudite and pretentious version of columns that appear in run-of-the-mill publications, you'll subscribe to Vanity Fair or maybe Spy.  Instead, I'll provide you with the ammunition needed to dispel this vicious myth of Tensa intelligence.  Significant proof can be gained from real-world observations, to wit:
  • 1.  Tensans almost never are seen purchasing wrapping paper and Christmas decorations at K-Mart on December 26.  Instead, they buy these items at three times the price in the three weeks before Christmas, just like others of nominal intelligence.  Being Jewish is no excuse, either.  A bargain is a bargain.
  • 2. "If you're so smart, why ain't you rich?"  Few Tensans are really wealthy.  One can only draw two possible conclusions from this:  a.) The average Tensan isn't intelligent enough to figure out that being rich is better than being poor.  b.)  Tensans aren't smart enough to solve the trivial problem of earning a lot of money.
  • 3.  Regional gatherings.

  • If empirical evidence isn't sufficient, there has been a great deal of scientific thought devoted to the concept of intelligence.  Researchers now believe that human intelligence actually can take one of seven forms, six of which are rarely, if ever, exhibited by Tensans.  These types of "smarts" are:
  • 1.  Kinesthetic intelligence.  Believe it or not, Mike Tyson is actually a genius on the order of Leonardo Da Vinci, if you allow that the functioning part of his brain is located somewhat lower on the spinal chord.
  • 2. Testibular intelligence.  This is the ability to do especially well on stupid tests, such as the Stanford Binet or Miller Analogies tests.  Unlike the other forms of human intelligence, this particular skill has not been shown to have a useful purpose.
  • 3. Crackheuristics.  Well-known crackheurs are Southerners Ted Turner and Junior Johnson.  This is a special form of business acumen well-suited for extracting sums of money from more intelligent Yankees.
  • 4. Bon joviality.  The ability to produce No. 1 record albums following brain death.  First recognized in David Lee Roth.
  • 5. Erudition.  Affinity for cultural, sociological, political and quasi-scientific information of no practical value.
  • 6. Problemathematical intelligence.  Skill at balancing checkbooks and figuring tips.  Rarely seen in Tensans, who have no need for checkbooks and don't leave tips.
  • 7. Common sense.  I'm not sure what this one is all about, but my wife told me it would be a good idea to include it anyway.